Kaidan's Feelings
by Hanamaru Kurosaki
Summary: When Kaidan sees female Shepard for the first and only time in Mass Effect Two, he is conflicted about his feelings for her. He loves her, but she is with Cerberus...how can she be trusted? SOrry for the bad summary!


There was no way Shepard could be alive. It was impossible for her to be standing before him at this very moment. He had seen the reports, heard the stories from the crew of the Normandy, and for her to be here was just not possible. Kaidan Alenko could barely process it. He had mourned Shepard since the day he had found out she had died two years ago. His heart had broken into a million pieces, without hope of ever being able to be fixed. He had even tried to start dating again, but it just didn't work. Not a woman in the whole universe could ever replace Shepard in his heart. But that was when he thought she was dead. Now, there she was, as if she never had died in the first place, as if all the reports and stories from the crew were just a big hoax to get back at him for some unknown reason. It was just too cruel. Of course, he had heard rumors that she was alive, and that she was with Cerberus now, but he just wrote them off as some fantastic story made up by some fans of hers that could never be true. Besides, the Shepard he knew would never join Cerberus. She HATED Cerberus. There was no reason to believe the rumors were true, until now. He knew Shepard was trying her best to explain things to him. He knew that she was probably right about the Collectors taking whole colonies, and possibly working with the Reapers. The evidence was right in front of him. But it was too much for him to take. Seeing Shepard again after thinking she was dead for years was one thing. But Shepard changing completely to Cerberus's side? There was no way he could handle that shock.

"I'm sorry, Shepard, but I can't trust Cerberus. I know where my alliegence lies, and it's with the Alliance." he finally managed to say, trying to keep his emotions at bay. The look on Shepard's face nearly tore his heart apart. An expression of hurt, dissapointment, and slight anger and frustration played at her features. It was only a moment; Shepard was good at keeping her emotions hidden, but it was long enough for Kaidan to see. She tried to explain things to him again, tried to get him to join her again, as if nothing ever happened. But he couldn't do it. It killed him inside, walking away from her, after everything they had been through, and that night...the night with her that he never wanted to end. That time with Shepard meant the world to him. Did it even mean anything to her anymore? Did Cerberus change her completely? He wanted to go back to her and beg her to forgive him and go back to where they left off, but he knew it would never work. She was probably gone by now, anyway. She was working with Cerberus now...and there was always the possibility that Cerberus was controlling her; It might not even be the same Shepard that he knew and loved, and loved still. He was a hurt and conflicted man as he watched the Normandy fly away. Without warning, and without permission from his normally proffessional and calm brain, he found himself running like crazy, trying to follow the ship until it dissapeared into space.

"SHEPARD!" He cried after it, wanting Shepard to somehow hear him and come back and find a way to prove to him that she was still her and for everything to be ok again. He wanted to hold her again, to kiss her again. Tears began to flow freely down his face as he stared at the speck of sky he last saw the Normandy. Now there was no taking it back. Shepard was gone, and he might never get to see her again, and it was killing him now.

"Why...why did you have to come back?" he whispered with a shaky voice. "Why do you have to do this to me?"

"Sir! We are ordered to present our findings to the Alliance council, sir!" someone called from behind Kaidan. He forced himself to man up as he turned to face one of his men. He made his decision, and now it was time to live with it. He had his duty, and Shepard had hers now, whether he liked it or not.

"And sir?"

"Yes?"

"What were you doing out here, sir?"

Kaidan took one last look at the speck of sky, and then began to walk faster back to his men.

"Nothing, Soldier...it doesn't matter anymore."


End file.
